The twins have been staying up nearly all day as if they knew something is up. I think they know that the New Year is right around the corner and they don’t want to miss it. This is the first time that they have never had at least one major nap throughout the day with me. This in turn, led to me not getting a nap either lol but that’s cool… In recent weeks I’ve head a great deal of energy compared to when I was on my maternity leave. Vitamins are a necessity.

I made a very tough decision to stop breast feeding. In recent weeks I have been battling with whether or not to stop. Since I went back to work on November 8, I just haven’t had the necessary opportunities to pump my milk like I need to. My job is strict on adherence, which in short means that we have to be on the phone for a certain length of time and on breaks at a certain time… every gotdamn thing is logged. I’m not going to get into the whole bureaucratic bullshit that I went through, because there is no telling who knows about this site :nonono: (I have learned from other sites that you must be careful of what you speak of regarding certain things)…

What I will tell you is that I became very frustrated that I didn’t have time to pump at work, and stress is a nono for breast milk production as you mothers out there know. When I would arrive at home, I would be exhausted from the long day of work. I may get one or two breast feedings in that night and maybe one the next morning. The numbers were against me because I should have been breastfeeding every two to three hours, about eight to ten times daily… not two or three times in the whole day. The milk production continued to dwindle which led to depression on top of depression. Despite the obvious drastic physical changes in breast size, I wasn’t ready to give it up.

Breastfeeding my children provided a mother – child(ren) bond. Not only had I been providing them nourishment that they needed, I also experienced a great emotional bond. Giving this up is/was difficult.

I finally made the decision based on that it was more mentally draining for me to continue to breastfeed than not. Yeah I had been taking my vitamins and calcium supplements… it was quite possible that the milk production could have increased, but there are/were too many factors against me. The number one reason being: no time to pump at work. Secondly, I don’t enough sleep that I need to maintain proper milk production.

Fortunately, I had been able to provide breast milk to my children for nearly the first three months of their lives. When I look back at this, I will try to focus on the positive aspect of things. Some mothers don’t even have the opportunity to breastfeed that long or at all. When the twins were born two weeks before their due date, they had a difficult time latching on. This was a very frustrating time for me and I continued to use my electric pump while I tried to get them to latch on. Then when Keisha and William did learn to latch on, this created that special bond. I will try to focus on the special bond itself and not losing the special bond. Another reason why this decision was difficult is because I didn’t want to fail them as a mother. I have talked to my mom about a lot that I have been growing through and she has helped me realized that this does not equate to failing as a mother. Depression often clouds my sense of reality and Mama has really been there for me to help sort out my feelings. I don’t know where I would be without my Mama.

*Deep sigh… That was my emotional cleansing of the day.

I shall go enjoy this New Year’s Eve with my family. Buffalo wings, beef summer sausage with crackers and Colby cheese, shrimp platter, cheesecake, meatballs, chips and french onion dip and strawberry daiquiris. Kiss JT and the twins at midnight. Call Mama, Dot and TeeTee at midnight. No Dick Clark this year.

Lastly, gunshots outside… that I am absolutely not a fan of.

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