Step Into the Nexus · Stimulation is the Goal

I can finally say that last week is over. On the other hand, the emotions that I felt and events that took place carry over to this week and future weeks to come.

Monday night, I was not sure how I would get through the week. I prayed, talked with JT about the issues, spoke with a good friend and took one day at a time. A couple of years ago I learned that I should not let things beyond my control worry me. This is a lesson not learned overnight though, and I think that I have only begun to put that in practice within the last year.

Why is it hard to not worry about the things outside of my control? When I say worry, I really mean, let it weigh heavily on my mind to the point where it effects other aspects of daily living. This is hard because I feel that there is a fix to the problems at hand. The fix is by no means easy and is definitely a long-term commitment but still, I feel that all hope is not lost.

How do we work toward fixing the problems? Counseling, attending church, prayer, talking to the Pastor, talking to best friends, writing, music, exercising, healthy diet, love for each other and self, respect, honesty and communicating with each other. I am not saying that I have all of the definite answers to the equation. Relationships are not like Differential Equations (okay maybe the tension of working through the problem is similar) but what I am saying that this is how I feel. I feel that if we do these things, the relationship will get better. I am trying to hold on to that hope.

Last Sunday, we went out to eat to celebrate JT’s grandmother’s 77th birthday. The celebration was great… What was not great: the next day, JT brings it to my attention that his mother told him to tell me that she was highly embarrassed that we had Keisha’s hair in a fro. She even called her hair crusty. WTMF… yeah I said that to myself. Could not curse at the moment because the twins were in the same room with me while I found this out. I was and still am furious about the information brought to my attention, but I believe that I handled the situation like an adult should.

I listened to what JT told me, expressed my concern with him, took a few deep breaths and about ten minutes later, I called his mom. I was cordial on the phone initially and later stern during the call but I remained respectful. I let her know that I did not feel that it was appropriate to say such things about her granddaughter. As long as her hair is clean, groomed and cared for, that is all that she should be concerned with. The fact that she does not like fros and thinks that it looks crusty because her fro does not gleam with shine like her pigtails do… is something that she should not be concerned about. And if it does worry her, I do not want to hear about it nor have Keisha hear such self-hatred.

I told her that I teach my children to be proud of who they are. Your hair does not have to be straight and glossy with hair grease to be beautiful. I teach Keisha that her natural locks are beautiful. Do not be concerned with how other people want your hair to be. Love yourself. I love you and you are beautiful no matter which way your hair is styled.

I do not condone self-hatred my household. Self-hatred is destructive behaviour.

…Self-loathing can show itself in the form of embarrassment or shame in those things that are culturally identified with the group. Such feelings are ingrained in subtle ways from childhood. Some black people may become reluctant to share or perpetuate activities or traditions that have in the past caused them anxiety. They may come to hate those things and, by extension, themselves.

Another variation of Black self-hatred is the issue of colorism, which refers to the intercultural conflict between light-skinned (and sometimes straight-haired) Black people and dark-skinned Black people. This is attributed to the effects of slavery and segregation, as light-skinned blacks often were treated considerably better by whites, or by white society in general, than their dark-skinned brethren. Such race-based color preferences continue to be present in both black and white society and extend to other ethnic groups, as well. Skin color biases which disadvantage and discriminate against darker-skinned people are evident internationally, including in India, throughout Latin America, Africa and China. In many instances, such biases against dark skin and other non-white physical characteristics are the result of the internalization of white supremacist values spread by European colonization and domination.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-loathing

I have dealt with this all throughout my life… especially the light versus dark-skinned issues. I cannot sheild my children from it, as I know they will probably come across ignorant people who practice such destructive ways. But what I promise to do is teach them to love one-self. Light or dark-skinned, long or short hair, tight-curled or straight hair, wide or narrow nose… none of these traights are better over the other. Love whatever God blessed you with. If you choose to staighten your hair, straighten it because that is what you want to do for yourself and not because you just want to fit in.

Essentially, I told JT’s mom that I cannot change the way she feels but I cannot allow my children to grow up thinking that is okay. The conversation was mentally draining but necessary.

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