One Year Later
Sunday, November 13th, 2005 at 3:00 pm · 50 views
Plus two months.
Since I have last written something on here of importance, my children have turn one year old. They turned one on Wednesday, September 14, 2005. I find it very difficult to believe that one-year has passed. Where does the time go? William and Keisha are both walking now, nearly running on occasion. At this very moment, William is slapping his sister and… then I broke up the scuffle. Yeah they fight now. William pushes, head butts (no thanks to Dad), bites and scratches (if the nails are long enough which I try not to let them get long enough for). Keisha does all of the above except for head butts. I guess because William’s cranium is a bit tougher. Note I said tougher and not bigger. Keisha’s head takes after Mama’s huge fivehead but somehow William has mastered the head butt *cough because of Dad.
On Tuesday, August 30, 2005 JT bought the house that we live in. For me, nothing compares to the feeling of living in a house instead of an apartment or town home. JT, the twins and I have a lot more space in the house than previously. The only downfall has been is that is has taken a while to get the home like we want it. JT works two jobs, I work one full time job and oh yeah I’m still depressed.
After over a year, I find myself still depressed. Of course it is no longer post partum depression for me. I don’t have the baby blues anymore. This is just your good old-fashioned depression right here. Last year at this time, I would sit and cry for no reason. Scream, throw things, and curse… all the things that I don’t like. The denial of depression and lack of support ate away at my mind and soul. I couldn’t understand how someone so important to me didn’t believe me when I said I am depressed. Fast-forward fourteen months and take away the denial. I still feel to an extent that the support is not there to the level that I need it to be. Now the hard part is, is the depression talking or is it my rational mind? I have a hard time telling the difference sometimes. I try to go to counseling regularly but circumstances sometimes get in the way. My counselor doesn’t fix the problems, but rather he provides guidance and helps sort out the mess in my mind. Exactly what a counselor should be and should do.
I’m still not supportive of taking medicine to fix the problem. I had this vision of me taking medicine and the depression was covered with a blanket. I walked around taking care of things in the home, making sure that JT and the children had all the things they needed, maintained the budget, succeeded at work… but on the inside, underneath the blanket, I still hurt. My heart ached and what was known as Rashaan was fading away. That vision scares me to death. On the other hand, in the last couple of days, six days to be exact, I have begun to revisit the idea. I don’t even know how to really talk about it because the concept still disturbs me. But I wonder if after a year… I am still depressed; will this ever go away? Will I ever be independent and happy again? A year has passed… should I consider medicine? If not now, at what point do I say okay now is the time… a week from now, five months, two years… when?
One thing that I do know for certain is that depression clouds my decision-making. I try not to make major decisions in my moments of depression because more than likely the decision will be based upon my anger or sadness. To overcome the to moment of despair, I pray, meditate; seek counseling but most often I try to talk with my significant other. Above all throughout the year of chaos (depression) and joy (my children), I have remained honest and often blunt about my feelings. I feel that there is no need to hide anything. I have made a significant change for the better during the past year but at some particular moments it feels like this goes unnoticed.
