A Brotha Meets Jesus

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a brotha from the hood on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there! sweet
thang, hook a brotha up with a cold glass of RC!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” ! The waitress nodded
again, so the brotha said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Brotha from the hood. The brotha jumped up and yelled, “Slow ya role playa, don’t touch me dog, I’m drawin’ disability!”

Diagnostic Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer it’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Things for Women to Say When Stressed at Work

1. “Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you”.

2. “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing”.

3. “Well this day was a total waste of make-up”

4. “Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?”

5. “Do I look like a people person?”

6. “This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting”

7. “I started out with nothing and still have most of it left”

8. “Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”

9. “I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable”

10. “Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”

11. “Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”

12. “You look like shit. Is that the style now?”

13. “Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?”

14. “I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”

15. “You are depriving some village of an idiot.”

16. “If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport!”

Oops

A Man calls home and his daughter answers the phone.

“Hi honey, this is Daddy… Is your Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

Oh yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now.”

“Uh, Okay, when…..here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

“Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?” he asks.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she’s not moving any more.”

“Oh no…and what about Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool…. but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he’s not moving either.”

**** long pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?”

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