Note. I’m having one of those moments. So beware, I may become repetitive to the few and far between loyal readers of mine.

I lost my independence. I couldn’t tell you exactly when and where I lost it, but I know I don’t have it now. In recent years, I have become very dependent but even more so during the last twenty-two months; starting with the beginning of my pregnancy. I feel like… I shouldn’t feel bad for being so dependent, but I do. After my cesarean, I wanted to do it all myself, breastfeed the twins, change them in cloth diapers instead of disposable diapers, feed them every two to three hours as well as take care of myself…, but I couldn’t, at least I couldn’t without by myself (I know a few readers are probably thinking well you shouldn’t have to do it by yourself, right?)

I’m doing a lot better now than I was fifteen months ago. I don’t get as tired easily and frustrated with the daily childcare. On the other hand at moments like this, I feel like the same woman that laid in bed helpless after giving birth.

I really, really, really want to go to bed now, curl up in the fetal position and cry but I can’t.

Tomorrow is a very important day for me at my job.

Now I just don’t know if I can make it happen the way I wanted it to happen. Things would’ve been easier, but we know that Shaani likes the more difficult route. I rather sit and sulk by myself and… try… to make it happen than sit in a room with someone verbally then mentally placing blame. I can’t endure the negative tension. In this case I rather do it alone. Who knows if that is the right decision, but I know that it feels right.

I have about nine hours before I catch the bus and eleven before the meeting begins. Let’s see what happens.

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