We have been having some problems with our van for a little over a month now.  A few weeks back we shelled out about a $1,000.00 in repair at a local Dobbs.  We did not want to do it but felt it was necessary.  A couple of days after the repair, the van started over [...]

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My morning did not start off so well and I let that mess up most of my day. The Bose alarm clock is set for 4:45 a.m., but I rarely hear it go off. JT is in charge of the alarm, unless I set it for myself. JT will usually turn the radio off shortly after the alarm (music) comes on. I hate the buzzer alarm because it scares me to death, so we wake up to the music instead. On a morning when we do not oversleep, JT will wake up about 20 minutes later. He then tells me it is time to get up.

Over the last year or so, I thought we had come to an understanding that unless it is absolutely necessary, I am not going to get up immediately after he tells me. I guess I was wrong with my assumption. I really hate getting up in a rush. When that happens, I usually get a headache from jumping out of my skin and I did not have an opportunity to get my thoughts together.

I did not argue with JT but deep down I believe that a part of me wanted to. I tried to explain that I just needed a few more minutes, but I got zero sympathy. None. Zilch. Nada. So, I got my pissed off ass out of bed, went into my bathroom, kept the light off, turned the space heater on, locked the door, laid a towel on the floor, put my robe on and laid on the floor for about fifteen minutes.

Then JT went to grab the kids and the next thing I know, I hear William and Keisha knocking on my bathroom door.

Nice move there.

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Do you ever feel like you are living an episode of the Twilight Zone?

Work was tolerable. I am still in training, so that is by default better than the normal daily duties. On the other hand, training itself was completely exhausting today. I struggled staying focus this afternoon. No word on if eating left over Red Lobster during lunch factored in on my ability to stay focused.

This evening was crazy. I feel like I was the only sane one of the bunch… meanwhile JT, William and Keisha were acting like very weird. More weird than normal.

After it was all said and done, I was able to find out the cause of what brought me into the Zone. Be that as it may, only time will tell if there is resolution.

In other news, I hear that the Administration (code for Bush) will let us off on Christmas Eve. Political move or not, I am thankful for this decision. Since I am in training, I do not have access to my work email, so I did not see the actual memorandum. I picked up the information from a reliable source though, so I feel pretty confident that this is true.

Local meteorologists predicted bad weather heading our way. Does not appear that enough will come tonight to be called off from work tomorrow. Ugh.

Last but not least, JT told me that one of his cousins and her boyfriend were in an accident today. A truck hit them. All I know is that she (cousin) is not hurt, but her boyfriend was seriously injured. I do not know if he is critical or stable condition. I also know that her baby was not in the car. Thank goodness for that. I do not know any other details. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

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This past Friday at work was fairly smooth all the way up to the end of my day. I had a disagreement with someone and to protect the evil, I will refrain from details. The only good that came out of this disagreement is that it confirms what I already suspected about my job and this particular person. She is crazy.

Thank goodness for the three day holiday weekend, because I really need it. Adam directed me to one of those blog surveys and according to the survey, I am 82% burned out. This is nothing but the truth. In the past few months… hell maybe even year, I am consistently tired, easily aggravated and very resentful about my job. Even when I sleep more than 7 hours in a night, I am still tired. I feel that all of the good that I do at my job is not appreciated.

The difference between me now and a year ago, is that now I am doing something about it. Not just the grievance process… I will never forget about my rights. Something more than that because it is time for a change in my life. Time for me to be happy and get the fulfillment that I deserve in a career.

I am tired of all of you liars and backstabbers. Remember that you reep what you sow.

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To say good bye to Vongo. I am officially fed up with their small selection of movies. I keep wanting more and Vongo just cannot keep up with my needs. I have now had the service for a few months with a sticker price of $9.99 per month. Perhaps instead of paying for Vongo, I will cancel this service and go over to GameTap. Any game service that has Contra is okay in my book. I need a new controller to play the games on my laptop. We shall see.

I also need to cancel my webhost plan with GoDaddy because I know have an account with Host Department.

Other than my decision to part ways with Vongo and GoDaddy webhosting, I am extremely exhausted. I will call the two companies tomorrow to disconnect the service.. I need to get up very early in the morning to work on a project. Good night.

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My original plan for tomorrow was to finish up Christmas shopping. I requested the entire day off and much to my surprise; the powers that be approved the request. When I found out that the big meeting would be on the 12th, I then decided to take a half day off. Well, I’m still going to take the half day off, but now I have to take a trip to the female doctor in the afternoon. I’m not looking forward to that but the trip is a must. JT and I really wanted to see Narnia that evening, but factoring in the weather conditions and the timing of my appointment, I’m not sure that we will have time to buy the tickets in advance for tomorrow.

Add this to the list of pet peeves: I hate to be rushed off of the telephone. Okay, so I know that things come up and we sometimes have to get off the phone just like that… but what is wrong with sounding a little compassionate while you do it.

I talked to my brother, Roth a moment ago and he went on and on about what presents to get Mama. I felt really bad because this year the funds really aren’t there for me. My brother listened, but how can he truly understand… he works two jobs but lives in a rent-free home with my mom. He is living the good life. I try to positively encourage him to save up money because he essentially has zero responsibilities. Roth usually hangs up on me when he doesn’t want to hear something that I have to say.

Yesterday, H. asked me why I’m not married. This is a sensitive topic folks. Make note of that. I wasn’t angry with her for asking; she is as curious and nosy as I am, but still I hate that question. There is no one, easy answer. Every time someone asks it, I get tense and depressed. I simply answered, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I think that the answer surprised her because I’m usually a lot more open with information. I left it at that and S. later killed the awkward moment by changing the topic of discussion.

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I am in pain but it feels like you didn’t hear me.

Where is the understanding?

The script is old.

The double-standards need to go.

Communication and understanding are the keys.

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Don’t you hate it when people ask you, “Guess What?” Chances are that you will never be able to guess WHAT? Right? So just tell me what it is… If you ask me “guess what?” I’ll look at you crazy and say, “no.” I don’t have time to guess. JT will make me stand there for SEVERAL minutes and have me guessing WHAT. That makes me frustrated to say the least.

So guess what? LOL.

I found about a year and a half of my journal entries for missnexus.com!! Found? Yes… found. When I was upgrading to Movable Type in December 2003 from b2, I backed up the entries as import.txt and used a script to convert from b2 to MT. While backing up some files over the weekend, I came across import.txt and a folder. After blowing the dust off of it, I opened the file and there was an entry from June 2002… I scrolled down and there were more and more entries. I was overwhelmed.

After recovering these entries, I would have only lost entries from December 2003 through (roughly) February 2004. When I found out that I was pregnant in January 2004, the entries were far and few between. I am so excited and I can’t wait to upload the entries into Wordpress. So if and when you see old entries popping up… that is what the deal is.

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Part III will come whenever…

Communication is the root of all relationships. Love is not. Without communication there is nothing and without GOOD communication you really have shit. Finding out where things go wrong with communication in the relationship can be a difficult task at hand. And the more difficult task is (once the problem is indentified) correcting the lack of good communication. Lack of communication can lead to problems in a relationship about an endless amoung of subjects. Children, money, career, social life, sex…

Fuck the dumb.

I am tired.

I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of my hormones taking over my emotions. I am tired of not being understood. I am tired of arguing. I am tired of reaching out and feeling like I am not being reached to. I am tired of being broke. I am tired of not being mentally and physically healed. I am tired of not feeling beautiful anymore. I am tired of not feeling sexy anymore. I am tired of feeling like I cannot provide for my children. I am tired of falling asleep at work. I am tired of being late to work. I am tired of feeling like I do not get anything done. I am tired of not being able to pursue my career orientated goals. I am tired of not writing at missnexus.com regularly. I am tired of feeling and lost inside. I am tired of not being focused. I am tired of procrastinating. Did I say I am tired of arguing? I am tired of double standards in relationships. I am tired of the unreasonably high expectations. I am tired of being resentful to you. I am tired of hurting inside. I am tired of not having a good memory anymore. I am tired of being easily frustrated and overwhelmed. I am tired of crying inside and out. I am tired of feeling like I have to prove myself to you.

I need time to heal. Let me have it.

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I really hate dealing with incompetent and ignorant people. Okay… just thought I would share that.

The weather was really nasty today… I think it reached 95 degrees, but guess what? I forgot my ice water this morning, well actually I ran out of time to prepare it. I sweated up a storm at the bus stop this morning. I’ll be sure to hook it on up on Thursday. Tomorrow is a doctor appointment.

I think the previous tenants of my home used to do some shady shit up in here because I get random men running up to the door, ringing the doorbell five times, then running their asses back to the car. Sometimes I really can’t stand my own people y’all. I’m tired of getting their damn mail and their damn visitors. I hope this doesn’t carry on for long.

And oh yeah… this morning, I found yet another damn candy wrapper in my yard *mental note*

Today at work, I was moving around a lot better than yesterday when I stayed home. My back is not hurting like it was after the fall. Now I’m just dealing with my normal pregnancy aches on top of the respiratory problems I’ve been having for two and half weeks now. My tastebuds are are at roughly 70% and my sense of smell is at about 60%. Last week, I couldn’t taste anything except for really sweet and sour foods and I couldn’t smell shit… no literally I couldn’t smell shit. Don’t laugh :shh:

Let’s see other than that, my belly is itching nonstop. I practically have my Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula attached at my hip, but it only temporarily eases my suffering. And the bad thing is I know that I’m developing stretch marks at the bottom of my belly. These are the first stretch marks on my belly during the entire pregnancy. I think the twins are going through their last major growth spurt and that has caused the sudden drastic itching.

Read the rest of Don’t Touch Me