A Newborn’s Conversation With God:

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

God said, “Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile and to be happy”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

God said, You will simply call her, “Mom.”

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Along with their kindergarten class, William and Keisha narrated and acted out the birth of Jesus. JT even participated by supplying the hay for the scene which came from our front yard. Our pine tree sheds hay (which I hate because it covers everything).

I videotaped the beginning then I promptly handed the video camera to JT so he could stand closer and get a better shot. I would not be able to stand so long without being in pain so I held baby Alex. And speaking of the video camera… I spent several hours this afternoon looking for my digital video camera. I literally tore apart my bedroom, throwing clothes and other objects every which way. Then I find out that my camera was in the trunk of my car all this time. I am quite thankful that the lens did not crack (or worse) because of the cold weather.

William was a bit shy on stage (he later admitted so also) but despite this, him and Keisha did a great job and I am quite proud of my wonderful twins. For still shots, I only had my Sony Cybershot with me. Unfortunately, those still shots did not turn out well because our seats were a bit far back. On the other hand, I did get a couple of nice shots of my family after the program, including of JT, Keisha and Alexander. I am anxious to print this picture out and perhaps even hang it in the living room.

So overall, I enjoyed the evening and I am thankful that I was able to go.

Question that I am wondering about… Do most schools do Christmas or Holiday themed Programs? I really do not remember performing in one while I was in kindergarten.

Technorati Tags: camera, Christmas, education, family, fun, holiday, Keisha, program, school, video camera, William

Finally, my husband told me to get my ass in the bed.  He didn’t say it in a mean way but he it was stern.  I chuckled a bit on the inside then jumped in the bed.  It took me a long while to go to sleep because I kept praying that everything would go well with the surgery.  I don’t think that I had been this scared about anything in a very long time.

The next morning, I was a completely different person.  I was not worried anymore about the surgery.  I knew that everything would be okay because I left it in the hands of God.  JT took the twins to school early that morning.  I didn’t want them at the hospital with us because they would do nothing but worry about me and cry when they would see me after surgery.  I thought to myself that I had put them through enough as of late.  Also, hospitals are recommending for children to not visit hospitals due to the flu season unless they absolutely have to.

We left the house to go to the hospital late… and yes this was my fault.  I should have woken up a little bit earlier.  Then when we got on 270 North, the traffic was horrible, due to the rain.  I tried to stay calm and not worry about being late to the hospital.  I could tell that JT was panicking (on the inside).  The hospital wanted us there at 7:30 and we arrived at 8:00.  Not that bad right?

Despite being late, registration and preparation for surgery still went well.  After registration, my mom arrived at the hospital and joined me in the waiting room.  I was very happy to see her and appreciated the support.  My BFF arrived shortly after my surgery began.  And of course my husband was there too.  My aunt stayed at my house this week to take care of baby Alexander.  What would I do without my family and friends?

The drug they gave me right before surgery was amazing.  I remember the nurse injecting it into the IV, I said I love you to JT, gave him a kiss, the nurse pulled back the curtain to roll me out and BAM… that is all I remember until I woke up in the recovery room.

The recovery room was like an assembly line in hell.  I struggled to see things clearly and I eventually found a clock to see that it was 12:00.  I later found out that surgery lasted about 1.5 hours so  I was in recovery for about 1.5 hours before I woke up.  The nurse was a complete bitch to me in recovery.  I was experiencing pains that I have never experienced before.  Muscle spasms fiercely shot down my abdomen and I cried out for help.  The nurse says, “Your having muscle spasms because you just had surgery.  You’re going to have to be quiet because other people are in here recovering too.”

A couple of minutes passed, then the nurse checked on other patients then came back to me.  She injected pain medicine into my IV.  A minute or so later… more spasms.  I scream.  Nurse says, “I just gave you pain medicine 2 minutes ago. I can’t keep giving it to you closely together.”  I later asked the nurse when I could see my husband and mom.  She responds, “Do you see any other family members back here?  Families cannot come back here in recovery.  You’ll see them later.”

This went on and on for a long time.  Eventually, I received enough pain medication to start dosing off a little bit.  I woke up at about 1:30 and a couple of nurses were taking me to my room.  I was so thankful to be leaving the assembly line of hell.

I had some very bad experiences with not only this nurse but also later when I arrived in my room.  I reported the experiences to a head nurse and shortly after that, everyone started responding to my calls quicker and speaking to me in a positive tone.

I’m truly disappointing with the care from the nurses.  When I gave birth to Alexander at the same hospital, the nurses took great care of me.  This time around, everything went wrong.  Some nurses are really in the wrong field and suck at being compassionate.  Despite this, I am thankful for the charge nurse for listening to my concerns and my two doctors for taking great care of me.

Initially, the plan was to go home the day after surgery.  With my pain level being a 10 (on the scale of 1-10) all day Monday, I knew that this would not happen.  I ended up going home late Wednesday evening.

My incision is very long… it starts below my sternum and goes all the way down to my cesarean scar.  I did not measure this yet but I would guesstimate about 10 inches.  I have a bunch of staples and stitches going down the incision.  This afternoon, I went to the doctor and my surgeon removed my JP tubes and a few of the stitches and staples.  I will go back to the doctor next Wednesday to have the rest of the staples and stitches removed.

I’m taking vicodin and ibuprofen for the pain and this is helping a great deal. At this moment, my abdomen is a little tender though.  The numbness is there but this is normal.  The area below my chest still hurts where the JP tubes were removed.

The road to recovery has been challenging but thankfully I have a great deal of support. Without the support, I don’t think I could do this.  The vicodin is kicking in now… so I better put up the laptop.

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I have not written on my blog in over 3 months and there are many reasons for that. I will not focus (too much) on excuses much but instead focus on writing regularly again.

I have been busy with the obvious… raising a newborn and healing mentally and physically myself.  I physically recovered well from my cesarean but I think where I messed up was having two teeth extracted nearly 3 weeks ago.  Mentally, I am still drained.  I had a great deal of pain from the teeth extraction and I am just now able to set the bottle of pain relievers aside.  I definitely should not have done this so close to having a baby.  And if that was not enough, I’m going to have hernia surgery this coming Monday.  I previously wrote about my umbilical hernia while I was pregnant.

Yes, I am definitely crazy.

Alexander has started to sleep all night long but unfortunately not every night.  During the day is when I really think I’m going to loose my mind as of late.  He has started to take little cat naps instead of a true nap (anything greater than 30-45 minutes).  Just when I think I have him asleep to go do important things like EAT, he wakes up.  “Nope Mama, I’m not sleep” and his eyes open wide as he looks at me for attention.  I’m nursing Alexander so I often wonder if his appetite is growing and causing him to be cranky and in turn not sleep long.  Then I dismiss this thought because his weight is just fine.  In fact, for his 1 month visit to the pediatrician, Alexander was at the 50th percentile for all stats: height, weight and head size.

I really should be sleeping at this moment because Alexander is sleep and I can’t count on him to sleep all night long.  On top of that, I took two benadryl because my throat started to feel scratchy and I need to immediately handle any possible cold or allergy symptoms.  I just had to get this post from my mind to the blog… and it feels good.  Good night.

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Of course the gross motor skills have also improved.  Cutting a variety of shapes with rounded scissors, skipping and tumbling and I cannot forget their latest adventure, learning to swim.

And this is just a brief synopsis of what you have learned over the year William and Keisha.

You have a grand adventure ahead of you my dearest twins.  Tomorrow you graduate from headstart at a location where you have gone to daycare since you were seven weeks old.  I remember when Daddy and I brought you to the school for the first time to meet everyone.  After graduation, your next adventure will be kindergarten this fall.

Whenever I think about this, I pause for a moment and wonder where has the time gone.  I am so blessed to have you two in my life.  I do my best to cherish every moment I have with you because you are growing up so fast.

Dearest William and Keisha, thank you again for your hard work at school and being wonderful children.  Congratulations and I hope you enjoy the surprise that is forthcoming from Mommy and Daddy.

I love you.

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Two days before my birthday on January 25, I asked my husband to get me something from Walgreens. A pregnancy test. I was scared but I knew I had to take it. Sick as hell, I strolled into my bathroom and urinated on the stick. The results appeared almost instantly. I was in shock. I kept looking at the stick. I somehow shook myself out of shock and called… well more like yelled for my husband.

I told him I was pregnant and he stared for while. Seemed like several minutes but it probably was not that long. We then had a serious conversation. My husband did not ask but I gave a look that the only thing I knew for certain was that abortion is out of the equation.

So here I am now, in my twentieth week of pregnancy.

I have had many feelings about this pregnancy: fear, excitement, love, joy… and it all sums up to me feeling that this baby is meant to be here. After I had the twins in 2004, I lost so much blood that I nearly lost my uterus and could have died. Thankfully with God, the hands and mind of a great doctor and the prayers and love of my family and friends, I survived… and so did my uterus.

That experience was traumatizing for me and in retrospect, I know that it contributed to my postpartum depression. Every now and then I still get tearful when I think about this, but now the internal feeling is joyful instead of depressing. I am truly thankful that I lived through the surgery to be able to see and raise my children with my husband.

Fast forward back to present… five years later.

Last week, my husband and I found out that this little life inside of my is a little boy. He looks just like William did when we saw the ultrasounds five years ago.

I am concerned still… I pray that my little one inside is a healthy baby. William has Sickle Cell Disease which is a genetic disorder. There is a 25% chance that my baby will have the disease, 50% chance that my baby will have the trait and 25% chance that my baby will have neither the trait or disease. I do not worry about it because it is in the hands of God, but the concern is there.

I am also wondering could it be at all possible if there is another baby in the womb. My belly is as huge as it was with the twins. But each time I have had an ultrasound, we just see one baby. I would not be mad if I had twins again, I just want to be as prepared as I can. I am not a big fan of surprises.

I had several weeks of all day sickness. Morning sickness is a misnomer for me folks. In recent weeks, I have started to feel a lot better and the energy level is coming back.

Inhale… Exhale.

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On Friday, December 5, 2008, the love of my life and I joined in holy matrimony… two souls became one before God, our family and friends.

On Sunday, November 16, JT and I had a drink (mine was Bahama Mama) and a couple of appetizers (fried mozzarella cheese sticks and popcorn shrimp) at Buffalo Wild Wings. The twins were hanging out with their Nana (my mom watches this every other Sunday). After we ordered the drinks and food, JT and I started to have a serious conversation about our relationship.

The discussion was neither positive nor negative but intense and thus my emotions were running high. We talked about the past, present and future… and I was a tad bit overwhelmed while I relived some of these events in the back of my mind. JT then started to talk more about where we were headed as a couple and for our family. Out of nowhere, he asked me the question… yes *the* question. JT asked me to marry him. I was in shock. I paused for a long time to replay the question, as if I did a quick TiVo rewind. Did I hear him correctly? I looked in his eyes. I looked away again. I have no clue how long this went on but it felt like a long ass time. I looked back in his eyes and I said yes.

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I should have kept my damn mouth shut and maybe just maybe I would getting sleep that I really need right now instead of trying to vent on my blog to release some tension.  I could have said something in the morning about it, but no that would probably lead to bitter feelings and maybe an argument on the way to work.  I could have said something about it a few days from now and he would question why I have been dwelling on it for so many days.  No, instead I had to say what is on my mind tonight.  What really sucks in the relationship right now is feeling like getting punished for saying what is on my mind.  I am tired of it.  Old shit really.

Then the snowball effect seems to come in play and feelings about everything else wrong in the relationship come about.  I am trying folks, I really am.  I feel like your goal is to make me feel as bad as you do… or worse?  How does this really solve anything?   I feel it does nothing more than create resentment, widen our communication gap and emotionally drive us apart.

Why do you do what you do?

Yeah yeah, tomorrow is a new day but that does not stop me from feeling like ultimate crap right now. Just what you wanted though.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

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I love you so much Mama. I hope you have a fantastic day. Love, Rashaan

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