William and Keisha were very excited to see that Santa ate the brownies that I made him last night.  He also drank a glass of milk and left the evidence on the children’s red table.  Alexander gave us lots of smiles as he watched his big brother and sister open their presents.

This holiday season has been very difficult for me.  I have been a complete Mrs. Scrooge and I really did not want to have any involvement with decorations and gifts.  I am not fully myself yet, but thanks to my husband and children, I am not feeling like Mrs. Scrooge anymore. The tree is up and the kids are happy.  More importantly, I thank God for waking me up another day to be with my family, our good health, providing a roof over my head… and even though I have mixed feelings about returning to work on Monday, I thank God for the job that I have because many in the world do not have that.

Happy Holidays to all. I wish you a Merry Christmas.  Be safe and thankful for what you have and not what you do not have.

Technorati Tags: Alexander, celebrate, children, Christmas, family, holiday, home, Keisha, life, love, personal, Santa Claus, twins, William

Finally, my husband told me to get my ass in the bed.  He didn’t say it in a mean way but he it was stern.  I chuckled a bit on the inside then jumped in the bed.  It took me a long while to go to sleep because I kept praying that everything would go well with the surgery.  I don’t think that I had been this scared about anything in a very long time.

The next morning, I was a completely different person.  I was not worried anymore about the surgery.  I knew that everything would be okay because I left it in the hands of God.  JT took the twins to school early that morning.  I didn’t want them at the hospital with us because they would do nothing but worry about me and cry when they would see me after surgery.  I thought to myself that I had put them through enough as of late.  Also, hospitals are recommending for children to not visit hospitals due to the flu season unless they absolutely have to.

We left the house to go to the hospital late… and yes this was my fault.  I should have woken up a little bit earlier.  Then when we got on 270 North, the traffic was horrible, due to the rain.  I tried to stay calm and not worry about being late to the hospital.  I could tell that JT was panicking (on the inside).  The hospital wanted us there at 7:30 and we arrived at 8:00.  Not that bad right?

Despite being late, registration and preparation for surgery still went well.  After registration, my mom arrived at the hospital and joined me in the waiting room.  I was very happy to see her and appreciated the support.  My BFF arrived shortly after my surgery began.  And of course my husband was there too.  My aunt stayed at my house this week to take care of baby Alexander.  What would I do without my family and friends?

The drug they gave me right before surgery was amazing.  I remember the nurse injecting it into the IV, I said I love you to JT, gave him a kiss, the nurse pulled back the curtain to roll me out and BAM… that is all I remember until I woke up in the recovery room.

The recovery room was like an assembly line in hell.  I struggled to see things clearly and I eventually found a clock to see that it was 12:00.  I later found out that surgery lasted about 1.5 hours so  I was in recovery for about 1.5 hours before I woke up.  The nurse was a complete bitch to me in recovery.  I was experiencing pains that I have never experienced before.  Muscle spasms fiercely shot down my abdomen and I cried out for help.  The nurse says, “Your having muscle spasms because you just had surgery.  You’re going to have to be quiet because other people are in here recovering too.”

A couple of minutes passed, then the nurse checked on other patients then came back to me.  She injected pain medicine into my IV.  A minute or so later… more spasms.  I scream.  Nurse says, “I just gave you pain medicine 2 minutes ago. I can’t keep giving it to you closely together.”  I later asked the nurse when I could see my husband and mom.  She responds, “Do you see any other family members back here?  Families cannot come back here in recovery.  You’ll see them later.”

This went on and on for a long time.  Eventually, I received enough pain medication to start dosing off a little bit.  I woke up at about 1:30 and a couple of nurses were taking me to my room.  I was so thankful to be leaving the assembly line of hell.

I had some very bad experiences with not only this nurse but also later when I arrived in my room.  I reported the experiences to a head nurse and shortly after that, everyone started responding to my calls quicker and speaking to me in a positive tone.

I’m truly disappointing with the care from the nurses.  When I gave birth to Alexander at the same hospital, the nurses took great care of me.  This time around, everything went wrong.  Some nurses are really in the wrong field and suck at being compassionate.  Despite this, I am thankful for the charge nurse for listening to my concerns and my two doctors for taking great care of me.

Initially, the plan was to go home the day after surgery.  With my pain level being a 10 (on the scale of 1-10) all day Monday, I knew that this would not happen.  I ended up going home late Wednesday evening.

My incision is very long… it starts below my sternum and goes all the way down to my cesarean scar.  I did not measure this yet but I would guesstimate about 10 inches.  I have a bunch of staples and stitches going down the incision.  This afternoon, I went to the doctor and my surgeon removed my JP tubes and a few of the stitches and staples.  I will go back to the doctor next Wednesday to have the rest of the staples and stitches removed.

I’m taking vicodin and ibuprofen for the pain and this is helping a great deal. At this moment, my abdomen is a little tender though.  The numbness is there but this is normal.  The area below my chest still hurts where the JP tubes were removed.

The road to recovery has been challenging but thankfully I have a great deal of support. Without the support, I don’t think I could do this.  The vicodin is kicking in now… so I better put up the laptop.

Technorati Tags: abdomen, diastasis recti, doctor, family, friends, God, hernia, hospital, incision, love, medicine, nurses, prayer, recovery, Staples, stitches, surgeon, surgery, umbilicial hernia, vicodin

If I were not finished having children then I would only have the hernia surgery.  Otherwise I would risk the abdominal muscle splitting again with another pregnancy.  Well it did not take my husband and I long to decide that Alexander would be our last child.  Growing up, I always wanted 2 or 3 children and God has blessed me with 3.  I don’t think I was meant to bare more than 3 children.  In many ways this second pregnancy has been more difficult than when I carried twins.

So, yes… I decided to have both procedures done and thankfully they will be done at the same time.  I had Alexander by cesarean and as I recovered from this my hernia began to hurt again.  I refrained from lifting many things so I wouldn’t make the hernia worse.  As my six weeks approached, I quickly scheduled a date for surgery.  I had a consultation visit with my surgeon last Friday.  He marked up my abdomen with a Sharpie like a Nip Tuck episode.  When I came home, I had my husband take a picture so I could archive my before shot.  I’m too self-conscious about myself to post the picture.  Maybe I can be comfortable about this in the future, but not now.

I’m hoping for a few things out of this surgery.  Of course I’m looking for the obvious: removal of the hernia and a repaired rectus abdominis muscle.  I’m also hoping that I can be more comfortable with my body again.  For years, I thought that I had a pooch in my belly because I ate too much or I was too lazy with exercise.  This lowered my self-esteem and made me uncomfortable about myself in many ways.  I wear baggy clothes to had my stomach and I hate anything that shows too much skin (like a bathing suit).

Now I’m not saying that the surgery will solve everything because I’ve had some mental healing over the years too.  But the physical repair is a big piece of the puzzle.  I have a strong feeling that this will lead to some positive things for myself and in turn my relationship with my husband.

During the consultation last Friday, I discovered that the surgeon will make a vertical incision and after making the internal repairs, excess skin will be removed and I will no longer have my linea nigra as well as my belly button.  I tried to Google images of  a stomach with no belly button. I found one model that does not have one but I’m not quite sure that my abdomen will look like that.  When I told the twins that Mommy would no longer have a belly button, William gave me a worried look.  He later asked if it would grow back.  I calmly replied that it would not, but no worries… Mama will be just fine without a belly button.

I’m a little scared about the surgery sometimes.  I do wonder though if the fear is about the surgery itself or post surgery fear.  Could be a little of both.

Technorati Tags: abdomen, Alexander, appointment, baby, diastasis recti, doctor, emotions, family, health, hernia, hospital, Keisha, surgery, twins, umbilicial hernia, William

I have not written on my blog in over 3 months and there are many reasons for that. I will not focus (too much) on excuses much but instead focus on writing regularly again.

I have been busy with the obvious… raising a newborn and healing mentally and physically myself.  I physically recovered well from my cesarean but I think where I messed up was having two teeth extracted nearly 3 weeks ago.  Mentally, I am still drained.  I had a great deal of pain from the teeth extraction and I am just now able to set the bottle of pain relievers aside.  I definitely should not have done this so close to having a baby.  And if that was not enough, I’m going to have hernia surgery this coming Monday.  I previously wrote about my umbilical hernia while I was pregnant.

Yes, I am definitely crazy.

Alexander has started to sleep all night long but unfortunately not every night.  During the day is when I really think I’m going to loose my mind as of late.  He has started to take little cat naps instead of a true nap (anything greater than 30-45 minutes).  Just when I think I have him asleep to go do important things like EAT, he wakes up.  “Nope Mama, I’m not sleep” and his eyes open wide as he looks at me for attention.  I’m nursing Alexander so I often wonder if his appetite is growing and causing him to be cranky and in turn not sleep long.  Then I dismiss this thought because his weight is just fine.  In fact, for his 1 month visit to the pediatrician, Alexander was at the 50th percentile for all stats: height, weight and head size.

I really should be sleeping at this moment because Alexander is sleep and I can’t count on him to sleep all night long.  On top of that, I took two benadryl because my throat started to feel scratchy and I need to immediately handle any possible cold or allergy symptoms.  I just had to get this post from my mind to the blog… and it feels good.  Good night.

Technorati Tags: Alexander, baby, doctor, family, health, hospital, life, love, newborn, parenting, personal, pregnancy

Of course the gross motor skills have also improved.  Cutting a variety of shapes with rounded scissors, skipping and tumbling and I cannot forget their latest adventure, learning to swim.

And this is just a brief synopsis of what you have learned over the year William and Keisha.

You have a grand adventure ahead of you my dearest twins.  Tomorrow you graduate from headstart at a location where you have gone to daycare since you were seven weeks old.  I remember when Daddy and I brought you to the school for the first time to meet everyone.  After graduation, your next adventure will be kindergarten this fall.

Whenever I think about this, I pause for a moment and wonder where has the time gone.  I am so blessed to have you two in my life.  I do my best to cherish every moment I have with you because you are growing up so fast.

Dearest William and Keisha, thank you again for your hard work at school and being wonderful children.  Congratulations and I hope you enjoy the surprise that is forthcoming from Mommy and Daddy.

I love you.

Technorati Tags: celebration, children, daycare, emotions, family, graduation, Keisha, kindergarten, life, love, parenting, personal, preschool, relationships, school, twins, William

Click the image to enlarge.  The June 3, 2001 game stats are highlighted in yellow.  The baseball game stats are from: http://www.baseball-reference.com/teams/STL/2001-schedule-scores.shtml

I remember your handsome face, beautiful smile and intelligent mind captivating me. I remember how I gazed into your eyes as you shared your Navy picture album with me while dining at Maurizio’s after the game.

Over the course of eight years together we have had our shares of ups and downs but we have survived.  We have two wonderful 4 year old twins, got married in December and now we have another child on the way.  Can you believe it?  Sometimes it feels just like a dream.  I thank God everyday for waking me up and waking me up next to you.

Do you know what today is?  It’s our anniversary.

Tony Toni Tone – Anniversary

Happy Anniversary Love.

Technorati Tags: anniversary, friendship, life, love, personal, relationships, sports, St. Louis Cardinals

On Friday, December 5, 2008, the love of my life and I joined in holy matrimony… two souls became one before God, our family and friends.

On Sunday, November 16, JT and I had a drink (mine was Bahama Mama) and a couple of appetizers (fried mozzarella cheese sticks and popcorn shrimp) at Buffalo Wild Wings. The twins were hanging out with their Nana (my mom watches this every other Sunday). After we ordered the drinks and food, JT and I started to have a serious conversation about our relationship.

The discussion was neither positive nor negative but intense and thus my emotions were running high. We talked about the past, present and future… and I was a tad bit overwhelmed while I relived some of these events in the back of my mind. JT then started to talk more about where we were headed as a couple and for our family. Out of nowhere, he asked me the question… yes *the* question. JT asked me to marry him. I was in shock. I paused for a long time to replay the question, as if I did a quick TiVo rewind. Did I hear him correctly? I looked in his eyes. I looked away again. I have no clue how long this went on but it felt like a long ass time. I looked back in his eyes and I said yes.

Technorati Tags: celebrate, ceremony, emotions, family, life, love, marriage, personal, relationships, restaurant, wedding

I should have kept my damn mouth shut and maybe just maybe I would getting sleep that I really need right now instead of trying to vent on my blog to release some tension.  I could have said something in the morning about it, but no that would probably lead to bitter feelings and maybe an argument on the way to work.  I could have said something about it a few days from now and he would question why I have been dwelling on it for so many days.  No, instead I had to say what is on my mind tonight.  What really sucks in the relationship right now is feeling like getting punished for saying what is on my mind.  I am tired of it.  Old shit really.

Then the snowball effect seems to come in play and feelings about everything else wrong in the relationship come about.  I am trying folks, I really am.  I feel like your goal is to make me feel as bad as you do… or worse?  How does this really solve anything?   I feel it does nothing more than create resentment, widen our communication gap and emotionally drive us apart.

Why do you do what you do?

Yeah yeah, tomorrow is a new day but that does not stop me from feeling like ultimate crap right now. Just what you wanted though.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Technorati Tags: personal

Over the last year or so, I thought we had come to an understanding that unless it is absolutely necessary, I am not going to get up immediately after he tells me. I guess I was wrong with my assumption. I really hate getting up in a rush. When that happens, I usually get a headache from jumping out of my skin and I did not have an opportunity to get my thoughts together.

I did not argue with JT but deep down I believe that a part of me wanted to. I tried to explain that I just needed a few more minutes, but I got zero sympathy. None. Zilch. Nada. So, I got my pissed off ass out of bed, went into my bathroom, kept the light off, turned the space heater on, locked the door, laid a towel on the floor, put my robe on and laid on the floor for about fifteen minutes.

Then JT went to grab the kids and the next thing I know, I hear William and Keisha knocking on my bathroom door.

Nice move there.

No music, no television, no other background noise, no children saying, Mommy, Mommy… and fighting, no telephone ringing and no one else talking to me (or trying to talk to me).

2. Under what conditions can you let most of your guard down?

Around people that I have known for a long while and I trust… then I can let my guard down.

3. Under what conditions can you do your best writing?

When I have some classical or jazz music playing in the background, something tasty to drink like a hot cup of green tea and no one disturbing me.

4. Under what conditions would you give away everything you own?

Everything? If I knew that I was going to die at a particular moment, then I would give away special items to loved ones.

5. Under what conditions would you kiss a stranger?

For $250,000. Enough to pay off the mortgage, other debt and buy a car.

http://www.friday5.org/?p=85

Technorati Tags: contemplating, Friday Five, life, meme, personal