The twins have been staying up nearly all day as if they knew something is up. I think they know that the New Year is right around the corner and they don’t want to miss it. This is the first time that they have never had at least one major nap throughout the day with me. This in turn, led to me not getting a nap either lol but that’s cool… In recent weeks I’ve head a great deal of energy compared to when I was on my maternity leave. Vitamins are a necessity.

I made a very tough decision to stop breast feeding. In recent weeks I have been battling with whether or not to stop. Since I went back to work on November 8, I just haven’t had the necessary opportunities to pump my milk like I need to. My job is strict on adhearance, which in short means that we have to be on the phone for a certain length of time and on breaks at a certain time… every gotdamn thing is logged. I’m not going to get into the whole bureaucratic bullshit that I went through, because there is no telling who knows about this site :nonono: (I have learned from other sites that you must be careful of what you speak of regarding certain things)…

What I will tell you is that I became very frustrated that I didn’t have time to pump at work, and stress is a nono for breastmilk production as you mothers out there know. When I would arrive at home, I would be exhausted from the long day of work. I may get one or two breastfeedings in that night and maybe one the next morning. The numbers were against me because I should have been breastfeeding every two to three hours, about eight to ten times daily… not two or three times in the whole day. The milk production continued to dwindle which led to depression on top of depression. Despite the obvioius drastic physical changes in breast size, I wasn’t ready to give it up.

Read the rest of The Eve of the New Year

Happy Birthday to my dear brother Roth. He is twenty years old today… yikes, no longer a teenager. We’re both in our twenties now. :dance:

I had a session with the counselor today. Suprisingly, the hour was well worth my time.

I’m off from work for New Year’s Eve. Two cheers for federal holidays.

Read the rest of Birthday Wishes to Brother

Lately when I’m feeling down, it feels like my children are the only people that can pick me up. At work, when I’m on the phone with an ignorant customer, I sit and stare at a picture of the twins… They ease my frustration and I tune out whatever negative comments are blasting in my ears. When I’m down and out at home, all I have to do is glance over at them and they put a smile on my face. Their smiles are the greatest. I’m sure every parent says that about their children too heh… But really, their smiles bring warmth to my soul. I could never have imagined that two small beings could bring me so much joy.

And despite this, then I struggle with the feeling… why I even sit here sad and distraught, while my two greatest achievements lay asleep in the nursery? This should be a time of endless celebration and joy. Not sulking at things that go wrong and crying over events out of my control.

I look forward to the day when I can set back and look at these posts and say damn what the fuck was Rashaan thinking? Was she crazy… she was really just blowing things out of proportion.

But you know what… immediately after that thought, I think… when I feel like how I feel now, I don’t even think that day will ever come. You see that I’m not optimistic these days.

In the meantime, I shall cherish the cooing of William and Keisha, William doing that tongue thing, Keisha doing that turning her head to the side when she is hungry thing, William doing that turning his head from left to right like Mama thing and Keisha doing that sucking in the bottom of her lip in thing.

Read the rest of Soothing Smiles for the Soul

I am …this close… to being addicted to Sims 2. Yeah, I got the PC version of the game for Christmas. I’m really digging Sims 2 because it has so many more features than the previous version. And I haven’t even begun to look online for add ons. Let’s see, today my main character turned into a lesbian, became a specialist on a team of surgeons, had a boring birthday party and became an elderly. Oh and her lesbian lover and some other woman moved in. If only there were an X-Rated Sims… well damn nevermind… cause I probablly would never leave the computer.

Speaking of playing games and such… do you ever feel that you are too old to be playing video games? This never really came to mind until I had children. It just feels funny to see myself playing Sims on the laptop, JT playing Knights of the Republic II on XBox and Keisha and William laying at our sides sleep. Is that wrong? LOL… Well you know what, the even funnier thing is that when they are older, I’m sure I will be playing video games with them!! Leave it to JT and I to teach them the old school ways of Pong, Donkey Kong and Ms. Pac Man.

Read the rest of Post Christmas

I received this forward from my bestfriend:

As I Mature

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Read the rest of As I Mature

Part III will come whenever…

Communication is the root of all relationships. Love is not. Without communication there is nothing and without GOOD communication you really have shit. Finding out where things go wrong with communication in the relationship can be a difficult task at hand. And the more difficult task is (once the problem is indentified) correcting the lack of good communication. Lack of communication can lead to problems in a relationship about an endless amoung of subjects. Children, money, career, social life, sex…

Fuck the dumb.

I am tired.

I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of my hormones taking over my emotions. I am tired of not being understood. I am tired of arguing. I am tired of reaching out and feeling like I am not being reached to. I am tired of being broke. I am tired of not being mentally and physically healed. I am tired of not feeling beautiful anymore. I am tired of not feeling sexy anymore. I am tired of feeling like I cannot provide for my children. I am tired of falling asleep at work. I am tired of being late to work. I am tired of feeling like I do not get anything done. I am tired of not being able to pursue my career orientated goals. I am tired of not writing at missnexus.com regularly. I am tired of feeling and lost inside. I am tired of not being focused. I am tired of procrastinating. Did I say I am tired of arguing? I am tired of double standards in relationships. I am tired of the unreasonably high expectations. I am tired of being resentful to you. I am tired of hurting inside. I am tired of not having a good memory anymore. I am tired of being easily frustrated and overwhelmed. I am tired of crying inside and out. I am tired of feeling like I have to prove myself to you.

I need time to heal. Let me have it.

Read the rest of Whatever…

On XP Systems without SP1:

Click Start / Run Then type the following:
RunDll32 advpack.dll,LaunchINFSection %windir%\INF\msmsgs.inf,BLC.Remove
Press ENTER
Restart Windows

On XP Systems WITH SP 1:

Control Panel
Add / Remove Programs
Click on “Add/Remove Windows Components” on the left
UNcheck “Windows Messenger”
Click “NEXT”
Click “Finish”
Reboot

NOTE: the second method does not work on every system - you may still need to use the first method

Source: http://www.tweakxp.com/article36958.aspx

Read the rest of How to Uninstall Windows Messenger